The Unofficial Hired Gun Corporate Geek Speak Glossary
Above my pay grade – not my job.
Accessible BI – Executive men’s room, central repository of business intelligence.
Actionable analytics – rare; i.t.: analysts who actually take action.
Actionable item – Dark data deposit in the Accessible BI.
After it’s all said and done – Often said; rarely done.
Apped on – Similar use to crapped on. Example: “I just apped on…”
Applet – Backup singer/dancer in Isaac and the Apples.
Aquafaba – liquid results of beans cooked in water.
ARP – AARP division for teenage future members.
Artificial intelligence (AI) – Sheepskin documentation of Suits mental aptitudes.
At the end of the day – The day before the End of Days.
Augmented analytics – Analysts who take ExtenZe.
Augmented data preparation – Dark data digestion period, measured in minutes.
Automat – Location serving “food” that tastes like a rubber car mat.
Bandwidth – Alternative music group of five big fat guys.
BI – Business intelligence – see: Oxymoron.
Bit – Mobile device fragment dislodged by impact of user’s hammer.
Blockchain – New stool hardener.
Blue sky thinking – Float to relax.
Bluetooth – Super villain; disconnects wireless transmissions at any random moment.
Burn rate – Pass protection metric versus Tom Brady.
Cat 5 – Five legged cat.
Cat 6 – Mutant cousin to five legged cat.
Circle back – The Oughts called and want their circle. Back.
Close of play – When the audience throws rotten tomatoes.
Cloud technology – Gaseous precipitate of dark data.
Confab – “Psychiatry. the replacement of a gap in a person’s memory by a falsification that he or she believes to be true.” (Dictionary.com) Example: “Watch my watch as it slowly swings back and forth, back and forth… in last week’s sales meeting you agreed to your reduction of commission structure and reduction in sales territory with a simultaneous increase in sales quota.”
Cookies – Late night programmers staple diet.
Critical mass – The extra-bigass Mexican dinner at Montezuma’s Revenge Restaurant.
Dark data – Burritos’ revenge at Montezuma’s Revenge Restaurant.
Dark fiber – Vegan alternative at Montezuma’s Revenge Restaurant.
Deny, deny, deny – “These ‘client dinners’ on your expense report were all lap dances!”
Digital detox – Prescribed remedy to dark data and dark fiber.
Digital productivity – Spread sheet column to document how often you use your digit.
Digital twin – 3D printer doppelganger of your digit.
Double Down – Twin sister of Debbie Downer.
Drill Down – Roto Rooter solution for Big Bandwidth dark data issues.
Dumpster Fire – WWE Dumpster-Fu match.
EBITDA – Cue Porky Pig and the Looney Tunes theme song: “EBITDA, EBITDA, EBITDA … That’s All, Folks!”
Elevator pitch – Barf Starr pukes all the way to the 13th floor.
Embiggen – Newest hip-hop rap star.
Enhanced presence – U.S. Liberace; Br. Elton John; Rus. Vladmir Putin.
Executive action – myth: Exists only in Classics Illustrated comic books.
Firewall – Holdover 80s hair band.
Flash drive – Barry Allen’s pimped out ride.
Game-changing – Toggling Candy Crush and Grand Theft Auto.
GOOP – Glyol-OxyOctanoic Phosphate resin.
GUI – Failed attempt to create GOOP.
Host address – Residence location stored in Google Maps.
Humanized Big Data – Triple flush volumes of dark data.
Hub – Executive assistant to The Boss. Knows everything; coordinates everything.
IEEE – Comic book enemy soldiers’ screams.
I just friend-ed you – Funny, I didn’t feel anything.
Informed Data Lake – Overflowed dark data marked with signage.
Internet of Things – Sub-atomic chips implanted into our brains by The Phone Company.
I/O – you money. The check is in the mail.
“It should” – Standard response from the I.T. Dept. to any question.
It’s on my radar – Roger, Maverick!
Java – Jabba the Hut’s younger brother.
Jitter – Mayberry cousin twice removed from Jibber and his half-brother, Jabber.
Lower the boom – Turn that damn boombox down!
Menu – Drop down directory that lists everything except what you’re looking for.
Microservices – Magnitude of accounting benefits for sales.
Microservice Architecture – Accounting dept. footprint dedicated to sales issues.
Mobile First – “Let’s get out of here!” also: “Feet don’t fail me now!”
Optics – Rose colored glasses.
Oxymoron – see: Business Intelligence (BI).
Pattern BI – Physical evidence that a janitor is needed in the Accessible BI.
Peel the onion – Action that usually results in crying.
Pip – Backup singer/dancer for Gladys Knight. See: Applet
Phishing – Probly cain’t spell katphish, neither…
Pharming – City folks moving to the country.
Podcast – Pod status reports beamed to alien spaceships.
Pop-ups – Sales commission plan du jour.
Ransom ware – Couture designer evening attire.
Punch a puppy – Expression that invites you to punch the person who says it.
Reach out – A cry for help. The speaker is reaching out to be suicided.
Retroencabulator – Look it up on YouTube…
Router – Device that indicates the Slauson Cutoff.
Self-Service Analytics – 12.8 gallons of 87 octane gasoline at $2.95 per gallon; total charge = $37.76.
Serverless Architecture – Structural design in Silicon Valley.
Sideboard discussion – (Office door quietly shuts.) “……………………….Are you crazy!?!?!?!?!?!!!”
Smart data discovery – Discovery of the word, oxymoron.
Spam – Monty Python’s favorite canned meat product.
Spyware – Cookware for spies. (e.g. frying pan: bulletproof; hits enemies in the head.)
Steve – Cocktail popular among grasshoppers.
Sticky Wicket – Serious GOOPage.
Subtweet – Low frequency flatulence.
Switches – Parental disciplinary devices of a bygone era.
TCP / IP – Drunk teen singing, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”.
Thinking outside the box – What box?
Thought shower – Unicorns, rainbows, tinfoil hats.
Touch base offline – After a runner reaches third base, they stay in foul territory.
Trigger event – Bowel movement of Roy Rogers’ horse.
Trojan – Popular male contraceptive.
Twisted pair – Two Trojans.
Virtual Assistant – Spouse-approved office help.
Virus – Disease agent contracted when Trojans are not used.
Wash its own face – Suit executive rank just above, “wet behind the ears”.
Whois – “Who dat?”
Wi-fi – Contraction for “Why fire?” as in, “Why are we firing this one?”
Wi-fax – Contraction of standard reply to “wi-fi?” “Why, do we need facts?”
Wiki – Source of potential facts for firing.
Worm – Dennis Rodman.
Wormhole – Mode of transport used by Dennis Rodman on trips to North Korea.