The Unofficial Sales Hired Gun Corporate Geek Speak Glossary Index of Catchy Trendy Manufactured Office Terms

 

There’s plenty of stress and anxiety in the world right now without needing to add one more blog about business and sales that makes sense, carries meaningful content and helps us modify our behavior to improve ourselves.

So today, let’s just relax and have some fun.

Welcome to your Wednesday morning Hump Day Levity Break, courtesy of the Sales Hired Gun!

I entreat you to study the guy in the picture above. Yeah, that one. 

This is that jerk we all encounter in our daily office life.  He drifts around the office throughout the day, coffee cup surgically attached to one hand.  His specialty is inventing new ways to sound like he actually knows what’s going on.

This is the guy who goes out of his way in every office conversation to announce the latest hippest trendiest cool new contrived and manufactured tech term. Multiple times in each sentence.  It’s as if his goal is to boorishly illustrate how cool and trendy and hip and with it he is.

If it was our own sales office, our Bulldog Squad sales team would have eaten his lunch by the end of the first week.  He would have been cannon fodder for our regularly posted Cartoons. 

Almost every day we drew and posted illustrated burlesques on our office Boofs outer walls – Toon Town – that mercilessly lampooned our company’s internal frailties.

 

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Nobody was safe from the cartoons of our Bulldog Squad

 

We hammered everyone – Boss, CEO, COO,CFO, our managers, oursleves – mostly ourselves.  Our cartoons immediately lanced the heart of some characteristic or flaw in someone’s attitude or behavior.

About 300 salespeople loved them.  About a dozen of our Bosses hated them.  Our manager from those halcyon days maintained for many years that by far the most flak he took during his time there was in executive meetings, over the cartoons. 

 

But when our sales team of 10 posted over $1,000,000 revenue every month, when other like divisions congratulated themselves on $100,000, the Suits swallowed and looked the other way.  (Except The Boss.  The Boss loved them.)

 

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Our senior execs often failed to appreciate the humor in our posted lampoons about them, our company – and mostly us – until they saw our revenues and completely backed off.

 

 

So minus the benefit of actual cartoon art, here are your Sales Hired Gun toons on this particular subject.

Below are some of the identifying phrases to help clue you to the fact that you’re communicating with one of “that guy’s” brethren:

 

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“I got a million of ’em! Hot Cha Cha Cha Cha…!”

 

The Sales Hired Gun Corporate Geek Speak Glossary

 

Above my pay grade – not my job. 

Accessible BI – Executive men’s room, central repository of business intelligence.

Actionable analytics – rare; i.t.:analysts who actually take action.

Actionable item – Dark data deposit in the Accessible BI.

After it’s all said and done – Often said; rarely done.

Apped on – Similar use to crapped on.Example:“I just apped on…”

Applet – Backup singer/dancer in Isaac and the Apples.

Aquafaba – liquid results of beans cooked in water.

ARP – AARP division for teenage future members.

Artificial intelligence (AI) – Sheepskin documentation of Suits mental aptitudes.

At the end of the day – The day before the End of Days.

Augmented analytics – Analysts who take ExtenZe.

Augmented data preparation – Dark data digestion period, measured in minutes.

Automat – Location serving “food” that tastes like a rubber car mat.

 

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Doctors love Automats! Next Stop: Rx for Imodium.

 

Bandwidth – Alternative music group of five big fat guys.

 

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Try as they may, big fat rock group BANDWIDTH can’t compete with MEATLOAF!

 

BI – Business intelligence – see: Oxymoron.

Bit  – Mobile device fragment dislodged by impact of user’s hammer.

Blockchain – New high-tech stool hardener.

Blue sky thinking – Float to relax tanks.

Bluetooth – New super villain; disconnects wireless transmissions at any random moment.

Burn rate – Pass protection metric versus Tom Brady.

 

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“Another one bites the dust …?”              “Good Song!”

 

Cat 5 – Five legged cat.

Cat 6 – Mutant cousin to five legged cat.

Circle back – The Y2K Oughts called and want their circle. Back.

Close of play – When the audience throws rotten tomatoes.

Cloud technology – Gaseous precipitate of dark data.

Confab – “Psychiatry. the replacement of a gap in a person’s memory by a falsification that he or she believes to be true.”(Dictionary.com

Example:“Watch my watch as it slowly swings back and forth, back and forth… in last week’s sales meeting you agreed to your reduction of commission structure and reduction in sales territory with a simultaneous increase in sales quota.”

Cookies – Late night programmers staple diet.

 

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Actually … sending cookies to prospects made us a Ton O’ Money in our heyday.  See my blogs on this at www.gonzoselling.com

 

Critical mass – The extra-bigass Mexican dinner at Montezuma’s Revenge Restaurant.

Dark data – Burritos’ revenge at Montezuma’s Revenge Restaurant.

Dark fiber – Vegan alternative at Montezuma’s Revenge Restaurant.

Deny, deny, deny – “These ‘client dinners’ on your expense report were all lap dances!”

 

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‘Nuff Said

 

Digital detox – Prescribed remedy to dark data and dark fiber.

Digital productivity –Spread sheet column to quantify how often you use your digit.

Digital twin – 3D printer doppelganger of your digit.

Double Down – Twin sister of Debbie Downer.

Drill Down – Roto Rooter solution for Big Bandwidth dark data issues.

Dumpster Fire – WWE Dumpster-Fu match.

 

WWE 2K18: Top Five Dumpster Match Finishers (Concept) - YouTube

Hey!  Quit poaching my territory!!!!

 

EBITDA – Cue Porky Pig and the Looney Tunes theme song:“EBITDA, EBITDA, EBITDA … That’s All, Folks!”

Elevator pitch – Barf Starr pukes all the way to the 13th floor.

Embiggen – Newest hip-hop rap star.

Enhanced presence U.S. Liberace; Br. Elton John; Rus. Vladmir Putin.

Executive action – myth:Exists only in Classics Illustrated comic books.

 

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CLASSICS ILUSTRATED: Required for Suits’ education and a degree in Artificial Intelligence.

 

Firewall – Holdover 80s hair band.

Flash drive – Barry Allen’s pimped out ride.

 

The Flash "Barry Allen" F1 2017 Concept by Tim Holmes on Dribbble

This Flash Drive has a storage of 100 Petabytes!

 

 

Game-changing – Toggling Candy Crush and Grand Theft Auto.

GOOP – Glyol-OxyOctanoic Phosphate resin.

GUI – Failed attempt to create GOOP.

Host address – Residence location stored in Google Maps.

Humanized Big Data – Triple flush volumes of dark data.

Hub – Executive assistant to The Boss.Knows everything; coordinates everything.

IEEE – Comic book enemy soldiers’ screams.

 

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When Sgt. Nick Fury hit the beach firing twin grease guns from his mitts, the only thing heard from the enemy was, “IEEEEEE!”

 

I just friend-ed you – Funny, I didn’t feel anything.

Informed Data Lake – Overflowed dark data marked with signage.

Internet of Things – Sub-atomic chips implanted into our brains by The Phone Company.

I/O – you money.The check is in the mail.

 

Dues Jack - Imgflip

 

“It should” – Standard response from the I.T. Dept. to any question.

It’s on my radar – Roger, Maverick!

 

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When your manager asks if something is “on your radar screen”, make absolutely sure you have your vector, Victor.

 

Java – Jabba the Hut’s younger brother.

Jitter – Mayberry cousin twice removed from Jibber and his half-brother, Jabber.

Lower the boom – Turn that damn boombox down!

Menu – Drop down directory that lists everything except what you’re looking for.

Microservices – Magnitude of accounting benefits for sales.

Microservice Architecture – Accounting dept. footprint dedicated to sales issues.

Mobile First – “Let’s get out of here!” also: “Feet don’t fail me now!”

 

 

 

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Mobile First technology comes to the rodeo:  “Feet don’t fail me now!!!!”

 

 

Optics – Rose colored glasses.

Oxymoron – see:Business Intelligence (BI).

Pattern BI – Physical evidence that a janitor is needed in the Accessible BI.

Peel the onion – Action that usually results in crying.

Pip – Backup singer/dancer for Gladys Knight. See: Applet

Phishing – Probly cain’t spell katphish, neither…

Pharming – City folks moving to the country.

Podcast – Pod status reports beamed to alien spaceships.

Pop-ups – Sales commission plan du jour.

Ransom ware – Couture designer evening attire.

Punch a puppy – Expression that invites you to punch the person who says it.

Reach out – A cry for help.Thespeaker is reaching out to be suicided.

Retroencabulator – Look it up on YouTube…

Router – Device that indicates the Slauson Cutoff.

Self-Service Analytics – 12.8 gallons of 87 octane gasoline at $2.95 per gallon; total charge = $37.76.

Serverless Architecture – Structural design in Silicon Valley.

Sideboard discussion – (Office door quietly shuts.)“……………………….Are you crazy! ?!?!?!?!?!!!”

 

ARE YOU CRAZY? - fred sanford | Meme Generator

 

Smart data discovery – Discovery of the word, oxymoron.

Spam – Monty Python’s favorite canned meat product.

Spyware – Cookware for spies. (e.g. frying pan:bulletproof; hits enemies in the head.)

Steve – Cocktail popular among grasshoppers.

Sticky Wicket – Serious GOOP-age.

Subtweet – Low frequency flatulence.

Switches – Parental disciplinary devices of a bygone era.

TCP / IP – Drunk teen singing, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”.

Thinking outside the box – What box?

Thought shower – Unicorns, rainbows, tinfoil hats.

 

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OK, Skipper – I’ve got my Thought Shower cap on!

 

Touch base offline – After a runner reaches third base, they stay in foul territory.

Trigger event – Roy Rogers’ horse has a bowell movement.

Trojan – Popular male contraceptive.

Twisted pair – Two Trojans.

Virtual Assistant – Spouse-approved office help.

Virus – Disease agent contracted when Trojans are not used.

Wash its own face – Suit executive rank just above, “wet behind the ears”.

Whois –“Who dat?”

 

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Who Dat Whois in New Orleans?

 

 

Wi-fi – Contraction for “Why fire?”as in, “Why are we firing this one?”

Wi-fax – Contraction of standard reply to “wi-fi?”“Why, do we need facts?”

Wiki – Source of potential facts for firing.

Worm – Dennis Rodman.

 

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The Worm marries himself.

 

 

Wormhole – Mode of transport used by Dennis Rodman on trips to North Korea.

 

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      The Worm travels via Wormhole to North Korea to single-handedly secure peace in the modern world …

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